(Why do) Things Fall Apart???

What is it all About
Today I write with a troubled soul. Those of you, who have read my blog or just generally know me, know that I am not exactly the sensitive type. I say that to ask you to bear with me as I try to express not just my own views, but also those of many friends and acquaintances, and maybe even a generation who undoubtedly share some of these same views. My subject today is love and relationships, and why are they, especially the later, proving to be so elusive to my generation. I say my generation. At this point, I am not sure if that is Gen X, Y or Z or some combination of all three. If it helps to have context, I am 41, single and never married.

So why is my soul troubled? You may have guessed from the title and first paragraph of this blog that I have recently experienced the ending of a relationship. This ending was surprising to many, including me, who saw great potential in this relationship. Of course I was, and I suppose still am, sad. Why couldn’t we overcome the differences that spelled the end of our relationship? I shall return to this point later in the blog. If this were all that was bothering me I doubt that I would be writing. After all I have my own circle of confidants for such sympathy and support. No, the source of my torment is bigger, far greater than just my own pain.

Recently, I have come across what seems an alarming number of people who have broken up, divorced or are in the process of the same. I was having drinks with some friends recently, when I came across an old friend. I immediately said “how are you, how is your husband”? She replied, sullenly, “Didn’t you know, we are getting divorced”. I was floored. I mean they have been together for more than a decade, have two beautiful kids and generally seemed like that family you hear about in the American dream. I have another set of friends who have been battling for several years, and at this point, appear only held together by a child they have in common. Believe it or not, I was pulled aside by a friend, in the same week as I ran into my divorcing friend with the same circumstances as my “battling” friends, seeking advice on whether to stay or go. Wow.

I think, then, my soul is troubled, not just because of my own relationship struggles, but because so many around me seem to be having the same, or worse trouble. Why? What has happened to our generation? I mean it seems we all want or are seeking love. The evidence is everywhere and has been written about extensively. In the music world for example, Prince sang about “everyone looking for the ladder”, India Arie crooned “I am ready for love” and my personal favorite, Sade, proclaimed herself “A soldier of love”. Death Cab for Cutie provides one of the more poignant examples of true love. In the song “I Will Follow You into the Dark” the group sings “if there is no one beside you when your soul embarks I will follow you into the dark”. It is basically one lover saying to another, who is dying, that I will commit suicide and join you in the “dark” rather than live in this world without you. I realize that this is a dramatic example, and I certainly do not advocate suicide (pro choice/pro life friends, this subject in another blog), but I think it makes a point about how powerful love can be and why many of us pursue it. Why then is love, and relationships, which are supposedly based on love, proving so elusive?

The Story behind the Stats

In the US one in every two marriages ends in divorce. For you statistics geeks that is 50%. In other words, the chances of a modern marriage lasting are no better than a coin flip—a silly game of chance. This rate is the highest it has been since 1970. A generation earlier the divorce rate in the US hovered slightly above 35%. Of course the rate varies based on many factors such as race, income, religion, etc, however, all in all it is a sobering statistic for those of us still “chasing the ladder”. Many more do not make it to marriage at all.

The reasons behind the statistics are plentiful:

Marriage
Lack of effort. People taking easy way out. If it does not work with minimal effort, the marriage is abandoned.
People set in their ways.
Starter marriages. I can get it right next time.
Failure to really know one another or share common values.
Lack of agreement on whether to have and/or how to raise children.
Money.
Infidelity.
Lack of communication and/or different styles of communication (Mars/Venus phenomenon).

Relationships/Getting to Marriage
Independence. I am good on my own. I do not need a mate to make a good living.
Alternatives. Couples deciding to just live together.
Career. Individuals wanting to “make it” prior to marriage or see marriage holding them back from advancement.
Lack of suitable candidates.
A related point to the preceding—either I will not wait on a suitable mate or do not believe I need one to have a child. Sperm bank and adoption seen as real options.
Global society makes it harder, not easier to connect. Yes, even with Facebook and Twitter.
In African American, and other minority communities, the disparities in education and career options between men and women.

The sad reality is that we now live in a “microwave society”. Often times if a relationship does not work or can not be fixed in an instant, it is over. We seem to want our relationships like we want our popcorn—when we want them and ready, to perfection, in four minutes or less. Unfortunately the real world does not work like that. Relationships are hard. They require lots of work. Nowadays it seems there is no longer any dependence of men and women. They can do without each other. Knowing this makes it easier to break off a relationship, often times over the smallest issue when either or both partners are not satisfied.

Of Consequences and Hope
In a simple sense, the consequences of failed marriages and relationships, more generally, are an increasingly cynical and bitter society—men and woman. A deeper look, however, reveals far more dire consequences: (i) people sad and losing hope; (ii) less true happiness; (iii) economic struggles; and (iv) a nation of children devoid or lacking family values. Of these consequences, the one that most troubles me most is (iv). Clearly there are many adults, who were the product of single parent homes, who are thriving and well adjusted. I was raised by a single mother. I think, all things considered, I am pretty well adjusted and generally happy. That said, there are far more folks negatively impacted by this issue (see education, employment and prison statistics to name a few). Assuming the parents are generally happy, and have decent communication, raising children is a task best shared by two. One, it is easier to divide the workload. Two, children need unique things from each parent as they grow and develop. Finally, with two parents there may be more money to provide for the family needs. As “republican” as it may sound, I would like to see a return to more two parent households, co-parenting, and yes, “family values”.

I do believe there is hope. As smart and as successful as our generation has been generally, I believe we can better figure out relationships and how to make them work. More tenacity is needed. Additionally, we have access to a greater number of resources than did past generations. Counseling, religion and friends and family are all sources of support for troubled times. If we use our intelligence, employ our tenacity and make good use of our resources, I believe we can do better.

Let me close by saying there is nothing wrong with being single. Relationships and marriage are not for everyone. There are plenty of single people who raise great kids, and God knows that there are many, many children who need good homes. For those that do pursue relationships, including marriage, mental readiness (including having dated sufficiently so as to be out of your system), willingness to work and faith in the possible or prerequisites.

Thanks for letting me speak. My soul is far less troubled than when I started writing. I remain hopeful, optimistic, and yes, still looking “for the ladder”. I hope you do too.